At the airport

I sent him as far as I could, then I followed him with my eyes until I couldn’t see him anymore. Tears rolled down my cheeks and blurred my memory. In that moment, everything disappeared. All that was left was that cute boy I saw by the gates of Tokyo University that day. He looked in my direction, then as the crowd moved forward, he looked back for just one more glimpse…

I never did show Amataka that letter from Asahi Shimbun. We met several times after that day. I acted as if I knew nothing and told him that after graduation I would return to Shanghai for a while, before going on the job market. "Chunjie, you have to come back to Tokyo. If you're not here when I return, I'll stop my studies and go to Shanghai for find you. I'll definitely find you. Believe me, Chunjie. Please don't disappear from my life." He continued as if he were talking to himself, "Nobody can split us up. If I can't have you, I don't want anything else." Amataka was obviously quite sad. I controlled myself, refusing to let the tears fall. I had decided to send him off one last time. I would put him on that plane bound for Los Angeles. Then I would finally disappear into the vast crowd.

From this point onward, I'll be me and Amataka will be Amataka. I refuse to hold on to him. Even if he's close by, it will be as if he's far away in heaven.

The day before Amataka was to leave for Los Angeles, we agreed to spend the day in Mori Park near the Ikebukuro station.

We wandered slowly along the winding forest paths, following a chain of mountains and stopping to rest upon the grass. The forest air was perfumed with the scent of moss. "Chunjie, why do I feel so old? As if I'm an old man, walking along with my wife of half a century. And now we're here to bid farewell to this world. The best thing about this place is nature. Look and listen. Every tree, every silent forest has its own spirit. They're singing and crying at the same time."

"Amataka, you really have an innate connection to nature. To be honest, I bet if you studied art or literature you'd be a great success," I said. I admired him for understanding the world at such an early age.

We came to a stop at the top of a hill. Rows and rows of headstones surrounded us. We had come upon a cemetery, the "mountain of immortal happiness", as this one was called. I stood off to the side, contemplating tomorrow's goodbye and thinking back over all the times I had said goodbye to a loved one in the past. I couldn't help it. The tears began to flow. Life was so short, yet each one of us had to bear so much bitterness. At the very end, all that's left of each of us is a headstone. That's all. If we're fated to die, then why waste so much time arguing with each other on earth?

"Chunjie, don't cry. We're not really old. We still have a long way to go." Amataka dried my tears with a tissue. "Someday when I leave this earth, I want to be buried here. There are mountains and water, greenery and passersby - and even better, a nice name, ‘immortal happiness'. How peaceful." Amataka seemed to have something on his mind.

All of a sudden he hugged me tightly and began to cry. I had never seen him cry and I had definitely never seen him this unhappy. "Amataka, you have to be strong…" I patted him on the shoulder lightly, then began to cry myself.

We cried together in each other's arms. It felt as if we were at a funeral. I knew I was crying because my two-year love affair with Amataka was coming to a close. The more we cried, the sadder we grew…

A while later, we finally calmed down. Our faces were stained with tears and our eyes swollen. Together we walked back along the path. A slight breeze blew in our direction, landed lightly on our faces and rustled our hair. On a bench up ahead I noticed a rough looking character staring in our direction. That must be the "private detective"! I thought to myself, how pitiful Amataka's parents' love for him was. I understand now why they did what they did.

On that starry, starry night, we held each other upon the grass in the forest. It was as if the sky covered the earth. For the first time, I made love out in the wide-open. The sky was our ceiling, the vast open fields were our walls, the grass was our bed. We breathed the perfume of flowers and crickets provided the music. We had returned to nature, one man, one woman, as it had been at the beginning and as it would be in the end…

The next morning, I took Amataka to Narita Airport. It felt as if I were going to the airport for the first time in my life. I'm not sure why, but I just liked the word "airport". The Chinese word for airport is "jichang", short for "feiji chang", or a "place for planes". But the word "airport" was more fitting - it provided a picture, a train of thought, a rhythm. Bleak and desolate, it mirrored life and death. "That port in the sky", wasn't that our final stop?

The famous singer Deng Lijun, whom Japanese referred to as Theresa Deng, left this earth before her time. She once had a hit called "Airport". Her intoxicating voice filled the steps of every traveler with sadness.

"Chunjie, I really wish I could take you to Los Angeles. It's a much more interesting place than Tokyo." Amataka's voice betrayed his helplessness.

"Don't worry about it. You just enjoy yourself." I smiled.

"Chunjie, I don't want to go. I have this strange feeling. I'm afraid that when I return I won't ever see you again. Promise me that you'll wait for me to come back." Sadness rose in him.

"Go on. If we're fated to meet again, then we will." I patted him on the shoulder.

He hugged me closely, plastering my body against a money-changing machine. "Chunjie, I love you," he cried.

"Enough, everyone's looking at us. It's getting late. You'd better go…" I whispered into his ear.

I sent him as far as I could, then I followed him with my eyes until I couldn't see him anymore. Tears rolled down my cheeks and blurred my memory. In that moment, everything disappeared. All that was left was that cute boy I saw by the gates of Tokyo University that day. He looked in my direction, then as the crowd moved forward, he looked back for just one more glimpse…