Hope's Tie

With only that narrow border between us, as rows of people filed by, we remained where we were, like statues. Time stood still. Behind the thunder of the crowd I could no longer hear what he was saying. I too called out to him as tears filled my eyes and drenched my face.

In a single room in the intensive care unit of Renji Hospital, a woman lies unconscious, on intravenous and receiving blood transfusions around the clock. An American man sits by her side like a jade tree facing the wind, watching over her.

"If your girlfriend had been brought in here three minutes later, she wouldn't have survived. We've made it through the hardest time. She's so young – what could make her do such a thing? So much pain – for what? She almost made it to heaven. You really ought to talk to her, convince her," the attending physician, Dr. Chen Kemin, spoke in English to the American.

"Thank you, Doctor." The American shook the doctor's hand, hot tears spilling from his eyes.

Dr. Chen patted him on the shoulder warmly, sighed, shook his head and gave a bitter smile, then left quietly.

The American looked at the pale face and puffy eyes of his girlfriend, then grabbed a tissue to wipe his eyes. Losing all control, he bent over and kissed her forehead, her cheeks, then her lips.

"She must have done this for love. Look at that American. I bet he was going to leave her and she couldn't let go. Now he's putting on such an act." A shorthaired nurse with a round face was speaking to someone in Shanghainese.

"Men are all the same. What a waste. Just last week my boyfriend called from Hong Kong and after choking on his words for a few minutes, he said he thought we should break up. I said OK, fine. No loss to me. That same night, I met a new guy at a bar in ‘New Heaven and Earth Plaza', a foreigner, a German. The second day I spent the night with him. Who cares?!" A very pretty young girl with long hair was speaking in a coquettish voice.

"Oh please, you're going a bit overboard, aren't you? You must have had at least a dozen boyfriends."

"If I don't make good use of my youth, it'll be wasted in no time. There's nobody like you around anymore – twenty-two years old and still a virgin, waiting for your wedding night before you give it up. If a man cherishes you, he'll treat you well whether or not you're a virgin. If he isn't in love with you, being a virgin won't change things. I bet of all the twenty-two year old women in Shanghai, you're the only virgin left!"

"Keep it to yourself. I'm me and I have my values. And I'm going to save the best for the man that marries me."

As they talked, one nurse replaced the intravenous bottle; the other took the patient's blood pressure and listened to her heart.

"If you have any questions, just ask. The doctor's office is next door." The girl with the long hair spoke rather fluently in English to the American, then the two of them headed out the door.

"OK, thanks." His eyes turned back to the almost lifeless body on the sickbed.

****

"Virgin," who's talking? It sounds like my mother-in-law's voice.

"I'm a virgin, I'm a virgin. Honest. I have no idea why there wasn't any blood on the first night, but I'm really a virgin. I've never even held hands with another man." My face was a mask of misery and I could barely get the words out.

"You're not a virgin. The proof is right here in this piece of clean white fabric. This is the flag that you were supposed to hold up to the world. It was supposed to be laid upon your gravestone to let all of your descendents know of your purity," my mother-in-law roared.

"Ma, forgive me. It's my fault. It wasn't red when it was supposed to be and it was red when it wasn't supposed to be. I mixed things up. Now one man's been destroyed and the other has lost his mind. But Ma, you have to believe that I'm a virgin. I'm definitely a virgin." My voice came back to me as I choked out the words.

"My love, you're awake. Great. Don't cry, baby. I love you. What were you saying just now? Say it again in English."

I opened my eyes, but couldn't figure out where I was. I think I've seen this person before; his face looks familiar.

I want to see my husband, the husband who went crazy all because of me. Where is he? "Ah Gen, where are you?" I asked in a tiny voice.

"My love, say it in English. Say it in English once more." His eyes were filled with hope.

I looked at him, then it began to come back to me. Wasn't this John? The guy who had come on the came plane with me to Shanghai? Wasn't he the American who had held me so closely on a bed in a suite at the Peace Hotel?

"John, where am I?" I looked around at the white walls and the blue curtains; the fluorescent lights stung my eyes and the room was filled with the odor of disinfectant. I looked down at myself, an intravenous needle in my left arm and another needle feeding blood into my right arm. I had a blue hospital jonnie on. Suddenly I wanted to get up.

"My love, lie down. You're sick. We're in a hospital. Just get some rest. You'll be going home soon." John caressed my cheek as he spoke. His hand was as warm as I remembered it to be.

How could I be sick? Wasn't I fine just a while ago? At that moment, he took my cold hands between his and warmed me with the heat of his own body.

I tried to think back. I was with him at the Peace Hotel. We were hugging and kissing, then we made love at dusk, and finally fell into sleep. Then there were rose petals, a knife, a bloody morning……

Three days later, John brought me home from the hospital. When my mother saw me, she hugged me tightly. She wasn't crying like she used to. She had learned to lock her tears inside. The house was full of narcissus just about to bloom. Every morning John would show up with a bunch of freshly cut flowers. Not once did he bring red roses.

And this is how I lived. I had died and via that death, my fifteen-year love affair settled into my soul. Graham was still Graham. We just hadn't met as planned. God closed the door and made me live again.

Fifteen days later, it was time for John to go home. Day after day, he had arrived early in the morning and stayed until late at night. Twice he even slept at our house. On his final day in Shanghai he arrived holding a bouquet of white roses.

"John, thank you. They're so simple and elegant, so pure and noble!" I said quietly, almost to myself.

They're just like you, pure," John added.

For a moment I was taken back in time to fifteen years ago, no, no, yes, it was fifteen years ago, or maybe even earlier, when I was in college and hadn't yet married into the Li family.

John held me and we cried together like children. One month in China and he hadn't visited one tourist site. Instead he got caught up in one woman's struggle between life and death. Well, at least his first wish came true; he heard the wild crackle of firecrackers on New Year's Eve.

"John, I'm sorry I can't see you off. I just couldn't stand another airport goodbye. I'm fine, believe me. We'll meet again if it's meant to be, don't you think?"

"Come back to New York soon. I'll be waiting for you. Returning to the disaster site can be therapeutic. You can recover together with New York." John held me with his eyes.

New York , New York . I shook my head and smiled. I have nothing there. I'm not going back.

I didn't say anything. We hugged, then kissed once more. This time I hugged John. John wasn't Graham anymore. John was finally John.

As he was about to leave, he handed me a letter and asked that I wait to read it until his plane had taken off.

I opened it as soon as I woke up the next morning.

My love,

During the flight from New York to Shanghai, my heart was bleeding – no, it began last year on September 11. I had a complete breakdown. I know that you lost your fiancé that day, but do you realize that in an instant I lost my son Alan and my daughter Grace? I only had those two children. I had raised them myself and they were wonderful people. (My wife was never healthy after the birth of the children and nine years ago passed away.) The most ridiculous part of it all was that Grace was on the plane that crashed into the World Trade Center's north building, where Alan's office was.

You have no idea. I was driving my car from home to the office at that very moment. When I first heard the news from the radio, I couldn't believe it. When I realized that it was true, I completely lost it and immediately tried to make my way to the World Trade Center. All I could see in front of me was a giant ball of fire. It was as if I was watching a scene from a Hollywood horror movie. How could this horror happen in New York, the city of lights? Those hellish days afterward, I need not describe them for you. You know what they were like.

We didn't meet by chance on that sad journey of ours; God planned it. You have no idea how strongly I felt for you when we first met. That first night in Shanghai, I stayed awake all night, sitting by your bedside, watching over your sleeping face. My heart was full. I knew this was the woman of my dreams. For years now I've invested everything I have in my work. I'm a workaholic, no doubt about it. My emotions had gone into hibernation mode, but you woke me up, you made me love you. I couldn't stop thinking about you. I loved you until it hurt. You are that girl in the dreams of my youth, a far off Eastern love, with black hair like a waterfall, skin like silk, eyes like crystal. Even when you cry, you're so full of expression.

My love, let me use my life to write the word "love" and give it to you. The past is gone. You cannot retrieve it; you can only go on, begin again, take the value from all that you've lost and reinvest in the living, in the now. Remember, my love for you will be waiting for you just like the sun shines throughout winter, spring, summer and fall.

Come back. Come back to New York, our new home. If you decide that you must stay here in your homeland, then I'll request a transfer to Shanghai. As far as I'm concerned, from this day forth, you're my home, the garden where my spirit rests. I want to hold onto you, to be with you, forever.

Thirty years from now we want to be by the sea at dusk together. In a year or two, we'll have our beautiful daughter. Promise me, my love, that you'll marry me. I'll make you my bride, a beautiful, lucky bride, a real Manhattan bride.

These days you can travel a bit with your mother. Take walks along the banks of rivers and enjoy the scenery. When you're happy, your mother will be happy. When our daughter is born, we'll bring your mother to be with us, to enjoy her granddaughter and to live out her old age happy and content.

I'm going, but I'm leaving my heart here to be with you while I'm gone. I love you. I love you. Let me hold you once again and kiss you. My eyes are filling with tears…

Love always,

John

March 6, Peace Hotel, Shanghai

As soon as I had read through John's letter, I jumped out of bed and checked my watch – two hours until departure. I dressed quickly, put on my shoes, grabbed my bag and ran, almost flying, to the door. I hailed a taxi and made my way to Pudong International Airport. "Driver, can't you go any faster?" "Driver, go through the red light. I'll pay the fine." "Driver, I'm really in a rush. I have to see John." I heckled him again and again, talking to myself endlessly. I was altogether losing my mind.

By the time the taxi reached the departure hall at the airport, there were still forty-three minutes until take-off. When the security guard was looking the other way, I slipped into the baggage check section and began searching wildly, screaming at the top of my lungs, "John, John…"

Suddenly, my eyes came to rest on the customs inspection section. John had just had his passport stamped and was reaching down to pick up his laptop. Just as he was about to move forward, he took a quick look back. Our eyes met. "John," with tears streaming down my face I ran in his direction. He tried to rush back towards me, but border agents stopped him. Angry and feeling helpless, with tears filling his eyes, he spoke, "Take care of yourself. Wait for me. I'll be back. I love you."

With only that narrow border between us, as rows of people filed by, we remained where we were, like statues. Time stood still. Behind the thunder of the crowd I could no longer hear what he was saying. I too called out to him as tears filled my eyes and drenched my face.

Suddenly, I noticed he was waving something in the air. When I looked more closely, I realized it was a tie! Damn it. How could it be a tie, again? I had never noticed his ties before. But this tie was dancing, spots of red flitted back and forth, like sparks. I stood for the longest time without moving, until I couldn't see him anymore…